I'm breaking ACA Blog's self-imposed exile/period of mourning to link this amazing Slate article about host Tim Green as well as a reminder to sign our Save A Current Affair petition to bring ACA back from cancellation.

A CURRENT AFFAIR CANCELLED; A CURRENT AFFAIR BLOG SPRINGS INTO ACTION TO SAVE IT

That's right, ladies and gentlemen. They fucking killed A Current Affair. But A Current Affair Blog is not taking this lying down. Oh no. We have created an online petition to protest this action. SIGN OUR PETITION TODAY and help us send a message to Twentieth Television that we want our A Current Affair back. ACA will continue to run through October, and we will continue to support the show whether or not it goes off the air. One love.

A BULLET FOR RICKY CHANCE

Rick Chance was well known by southwest late night television viewers. He appeared in his own commercials for his glass company. He also sold jewels.

Rick Chance married many times & was very religious. So how did such a pius man end up dead in sleazy motel room with a bullethole in his chest & a chinese girl stripper? Trophy Wife #3 talked about how she thought she was marrying some sort of mogul, but no! His idea of a good time was reading from the bible "it was like i was just supposed to sit there and listen for like 4 hours straight like i was child. it was quite boring" needless to say their marriage fell apart.

With no one to read the bible to, Ricky fell into a despair spiral, so he got obsessed with pretty girls. He showed friend Randy the jewish lawyer internet dating sites and said "this is where its at".. but that is not how he met this pretty chinese stripper. they met "the old fashioned way"...

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...

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the classifieds.

not the personals. the classifieds. he placed an ad for some jewelry and she responded. and then she said the words no man can deny. "lets get a hotel room and i can show you my breast enhancements" (unlike the other quotes, this one is verbatim - the old fashioned way one is also verbatim too btw and both are from tim green's voiceover ok), chinese girl & boyfriend kill him. Now they are in jail and bickering over who shot who. The jury hung.

Tim Green signs off with "not the first, nor the last"

The next piece is 5-6 minutes of literally just talking SHIT about Dr. Phil.

Tim Green signs off with a smile & "Dr. Phil don't make me open a can of whoop ass on you. " then he says something about past tv advice gurus who have crashed & burned & dr. laura

He was a Bible-reading millionaire. She was a stripper. Soon, one would go to the morgue. And the other would go to jail.

to be honest, a current affair, is a very difficult show to watch regularly and i had no idea how much my commitment would be tested. after only watching a few episodes my life descended into a dark downward spiral. i had to stop.

but mother of christ, there is no way i am missing:

A BULLET FOR RICKY CHANCE
[tonight, wednesday september 21st, check local listings]

our apologies for slacking off. ACAB may or may not get back on track next week.

in the meantime:

Some kid named Brandenn was a child prodigy and then killed himself at 14. If I had too many N's in my name I'd probably kill myself too. They talk about how he played piano.

Voiceover: "And Brandenn could compose."
Caption: "Mozart also composed as a child."

Brandenn's organs were donated and saved a bunch of dying children, and there's some weird aside about how his mom maybe encouraged him to donate his organs? Is that why he killed himself!? More questions than answers, my friends.

Some kind of scandal involving Mario Batali from the Food Network. An orgy at one of the restaurants he owns. According to an e-mail and not corroborated by anyone else. And which he was not involved in. But they say his name and show his picture a hundred times. Also, they show a creepy clip from his show where he holds up two stalks of celery and says "do you know what the difference between these are? One is a boy and one is a girl. And do you know which one tastes better? That's right, the girl."

NBC accidentally shoots footage they weren't supposed to at some jail and are threated with a big fine if they air it. Host Tim Green says: "Perhaps NBC should change their name to the Not Broadcasting Corporation."

After ACA ran a story about a farmer who grew a personal ad in his crop of corn that can only be read from the sky, he got responses from over 200 women and one creepy gay guy who made a bad pun about farming and pharmaceuticals.



Update on the disappearance of Olivia Netwon-John's supposed boyfriend: she failed to tell the authorities for the first 7 weeks he was missing and ACA is making a big deal about it. But apparently they can't even prove they were ever romantically involved. ACAB thinks ACA is making a mountan out of a molehill.

THE END OF LOVE

no joke thats the name of the story. don't worry love is still real, or not, depending on how bitter you happen to be. This is about Courtney Love. She does drugs.

Judge sent her to rehab. Cut to clip of the internet - tabloid story about her being pregnant. Cut to clip of british dude - "It's not my fault, you refused to wear the rubber underpants!" - This is the clip they showed introducing alleged-father of her new baby Steve Coogan, from the "Jackie Chan flop" (their words not mine) "Around the World in 80 Days"

Is the female condom still on the market? In that case you need to take responsibility for that baby Mr. Coogan.

Tim Green and lady correspondent wish her well.

OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM

olivia newton-john's boyfriend of dead or alive internet poll on aca's website fame. I voted no, thankfully the rest of america is more optimistic with 77% saying yes, yes we think he's alive. I am disappointed I expected and demand more bloodlust from our A Current Affair viewing brethren.

Apparently Olivia Newton-John's boyfriend lives in the ghetto. One of his neighboors had a coors light tall boy in his hand during the interview. Creepy old lady said "YOU BETTER GET BACK HERE PATRICK!"

He disappeared from his boat 2 months ago, America, he's dead. Accept it and vote "no" on acurrentaffair.com's internet poll.